For one's first exposure to a naked woman, I was certainly blessed to have hit the motherlode of nudity.
It was 1966 and my father, in a rare and only burst of spontaneity, thought it would be a great idea in the middle of a school week to go see the World War I adventure epic, ``The Blue Max.'' To be sure, it is a swell war yarn. The part I remember most vividly is but a tiny, seconds-long scene of Ursula Andress stepping out of a bathtub in the altogether. As I could feel my 6 foot, 3 inch father blushing with embarrassment next to me, one thought entered my mind; Thank you God.
You have to admit as naked women go, Ursula Andress pretty much sums up the alpha and the omega of va-va- voom. I was reminded of Ursula Andress and that lovely bathtub scene recently when once again the breast-beating (sorry, bad word choice perhaps) erupted across our fair village over the presence of public nudity.
The Rev. Abe Brown, a very fine man, has launched the 897th effort to make public nudity illegal in the county, under the banner of Citizens for Decency.
Of course, this would suggest that if you happen not to give a rat's patootie about public nudity, which would pretty much include the Ye Mystic Krewe of Gasparilla, a gaggle of local blue bloods solely responsible for the exposure of more breasts in the city than Tyson chicken, I suppose you would qualify as a Citizen for Indecency.
Not In Our County
The county commission, which seems to spend more time preoccupied with sex than Ken Starr, plans to take up the Rev. Brown's antinudity campaign on June 2, when the Citizens for Decency is supposed to present petitions with 10,000 signatures decrying the presence of publicly naked people in our midst.
It goes without saying that Commissioner Ronda Storms, who never misses an opportunity to mount her pommel horse of prurience, will be having the vapors over brass pole vixens to make Carrie Nation look like a two-bit, gin-joint chippie.
There's only one itsy-bitsy problem with all this fire and brimstone posturing.
Abe Brown can rant and rave. Ronda Storms can faint on cue at the sight of cleavage unchained. And David Gibbs, who heads up the Christian Law Association, can try to turn the county charter into Jerry Falwell meets Tinky-Winky.
It all means nothing.
That's because the county reports there aren't any fully nude salons in unincorporated Hillsborough. According to the county, the 70 hoochy-coochy joints Abe Brown and his associates find so sinful are located within the city limits of Tampa.
And Not In Tampa
On that score, Tampa Mayor Pam Iorio has about as much interest in getting wrapped up in a protracted legal battle over trying to shut down the naughty nightclubs as she does naming Steve LaBrake her public housing czar.
As well, aside from the breasts-for-beads tradition during the cheesy Gasparilla festivities, where is the real public nudity?
When is the last time naked women invaded a church service, or strolled down the street, or attended a county commission meeting, although that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.
The not too proud historical fact is, Tampa always has reveled in and promoted its reputation as a yahoo, hanky- panky destination - from Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Riders, through Ybor City's underworld days, to Joe Redner, the Warren Buffett of boobs.
As for the Citizens for Decency, please produce the gun that is put to the heads of the naked women to be well, naked, as well as the patrons who like to look at them behind closed doors out of sight from the ``public.''
And oh, by your standards, would Ursula Andress be subject to arrest in Hillsborough County?
And if so, could I be the one to inform her of her Miranda rights, as well as my eternal gratitude?